acceptance

Time to be honest. 

I have been struggling lately (well, really since the move to Savannah). After graduating from Nursing School I had a job. I loved it - I actually enjoyed going to work. We moved to St Louis. I had a job again. I maybe used to cry when I went to work - but only because it was a new place, I still loved what I did. Now we are in Savannah. I came here 36 weeks pregnant - of course I didn't go interview - as soon as orientation would've started I would've had our baby!  But for some reason it has been so hard for me to accept that I am "jobless".  My sweet mom and mother in law would say 'you're not jobless, you're growing a baby!'.   And for a minute, I felt okay with things. 

Here we are...with a 3 week old in our house - and for some reason I am still struggling!! Part of me misses the routine, other parts feel like it was some of my identity being a nurse (and I know I still am a nurse...but it's different). Since I am home all day I feel like I should accomplish a million tasks - and when the day ends and I have only completed a handful of them, I feel a little ashamed. Of course Pat is nothing but kind, never making me feel like I have been unproductive - it's ME that creates that feeling.

Today I saw this poem. I actually teared up (even though I should be ridiculously hormonal, I haven't cried in days now...until now, lol)

So here is my wake up call. 

Song for a Fifth Child
Ruth Hulburt Hamilton

Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing and butter the bread,
Sew on a button and make up a bed.

But where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I’ve grown shiftless as Little Boy Blue
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).
The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew
And out in the yard, there’s a hullabaloo
But I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren’t her [his :)] eyes the most wonderful hue?
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow,
For children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.

So there it is.

Maybe by saying it all out loud I can finally let it go.

Right now I am cuddling the cutest baby in the world - and enjoying every minute!